Here it is, less than two days after I returned home from my trip to Mexico...I was picked up by my husband at the airport, and we met my mother with the children at Barnes and Noble yesterday afternoon. I'm back in the comfort and familiarity of my own home, and getting ready for the end of summer and a new school year to start. Next week, I go back to work and the start of a fairly busy month compared to my usual schedule. I'm thinking about fall cleaning, meal plans, bills, homework, school supplies and play dates, not only with the usual sense of monotony that might characterize the end of an international trip and a return to the status quo, but after this trip, also with the realization that this "monotony" is exactly what my brother is fighting so hard to achieve. Despite the fact that his existence in Mexico is characterized by its own unique sort of tediousness and "more of the same," it does not afford him the intense type of gratification that a well-tuned-in parent feels each day as they are allowed to make decisions and choices that they know will instill a sense of security, of being loved, and of right and wrong in their children for the rest of their lives.
As parents, we all have moments where we reminisce about our younger days when we were "free" and able to see the world without the constraints of worrying about how our choices will affect our childrens' futures, but we also know that the world is not a perfect place, we can't have it all, and given the choice, we'd choose our kids in a heartbeat again. My brother has sacrificed everything else in order to choose Sage, and he makes the same sacrifice and the same choice every single minute of every single day that he is fighting for his son. He has all but lost his identity as an individual, been forced to sacrifice his concerns for his own future, and takes risks to his health, his safety, and his livelihood each and every day, in order to pursue whatever path he must to be able to enjoy all the "monotony" of school plays, bedtime, homework, grocery shopping, cooking a balanced meal when he's not, himself, even hungry, answering the question "why?" to infinity and beyond, and winter sledding trips. But this all continues to be denied him. Instead, this is a typical day for Carlos:
1.) wake up earlier than his body...having gotten little sleep the night before due to worrying about his job, the outcome of a pending motion, what his son is being taught, and his own safety...wants him to.
2.) Start working on his job, if he's able at that particular time, or, get ready for a day of traveling either to/from the States, or to/all over/around/from court, visits, or other meetings in Salamanca where Sage is living, either of which will generally eat up an entire day.
3.) If a visit is scheduled, he generally drives the 1 1/2 hours to where it is more convenient for Ana, only to once again find they have not shown up, and then spends time collecting evidence of the missed visit to submit to the courts.
4.) Lately he has been attending meetings/orientations, etc. for the new school Sage is supposed to start at on Wednesday.
5.) If this all doesn't sound like much, consider that where he is staying when in Mexico lacks numerous of the conveniences to which most of us are accustomed. His "home" has very poor water pressure, so a shower takes about twice as long; water used for cooking, drinking, or brushing his teeth all has to be bottled; laundry has to be picked up/dropped off or taken to a laundromat, internet service is very poor, so anything that has to be done online, including his job, takes longer, he has consistently had to deal with bouts of "food illness" due to the differences in bacteria in the area and different standards of food preparation; and, well, he is alone. He has nobody to whom he can lament when things get to be too much for him, nobody to take his mind off of the despondency and desperation he struggles with constantly, that simmer just below that exterior of "doing what he has to do." I was there for ten days and I will admit that even I needed to call and speak to my children and husband almost everyday. At night, when all struggles and anxieties tend to show their teeth a little bit more, I spent many hours waiting for the daylight to break, despite my exhaustion from the day's events.
All in all, as I sit here at my computer, curled up into my sofa, with my children safely in bed, my husband at the store buying some pepto bismol (it appears that my system didn't entirely rid itself of the Mexican bug in Mexico after all), and the sense of calm that comes from being in a place you've pretty much known your entire life, I continue to playback in my head, over and over, the last hug, and the "goodbye" I exchanged with my brother only a couple days ago in Mexico. How at that time I would have given anything for him to have been boarding the plane with me...to return home to his family, to safety, and to the support system he has here in the U.S., but how I also knew that without Sage, that would never happen. His trips back to the U.S. will remain exclusively for the purpose of work until this case is over, and I suppose that is how it should be. As much as I love him, his family loves him, and we want to know he is safe and okay, Sage needs him, and I have to accept that. I just pray that the day comes very soon when Sage will know the truth about why his daddy had to miss so many years, so many birthdays, and so many tears when all he wanted was to be there.
With that being said, I have to call on my own reserves of strength to continue to fight this fight with Carlos as much as I am able from home. For him, it is a daily, hourly battle, and he will never tire of our words of encouragement, no matter how helpless they may seem to us as we repeat them over and over. We need to continue to put pressure on our own government to take these cases as seriously as they are, and to provide the same kind of assistance they provided the California U.S. Representative recently, which brought his grandchildren home in less than three days after they were located in Mexico. All Left-behind parents deserve the backing of their own government to bring their children home. Please continue to encourage your own U.S. Representative to co-sponsor H.R. 1940, in order to help Carlos and all American LBP's be reunited with their children.
Finally, I would like to point out the new paypal account I have opened in Carlos' name. Any amount you might be able to donate, at any time, will help, and be greatly appreciated. Carlos has spent over $75,000 so far in his attempt to bring Sage home, and is finding it difficult to continue to afford the continuous high expenses, just when things are actually starting to look promising. If you are able, please find the paypal link to the right of this page and click to donate. Money will be used to help pay for Sage's new school costs so that he can begin learning English, for a social worker required to attend Carlos' visits so that he may spend time with Sage, for legal fees, travel expenses, and for basic expenses like gas, tolls, and food on his daily trips back and forth.
As always, thank you for your support, and please continue to follow with us.
--Sonia
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