Thinking of my brother

As I recently posted, my brother testified before congress only last week in Washington D.C.  One of the other parents in attendance and on the witness panel was David Goldman, another left-behind parent (LBP) who, after 5 years, finally received justice in his own case, and brought his son home from Brazil.  Mr. Goldman was able to garner the attention of several news media towards the end of his ordeal, and you can find much information regarding the case online (the website, Bring Sean Home, to which there is a link on this site, was started in honor of David's son, Sean Goldman, and now functions as a primary source of information and support for other LBP's. 

During his testimony, Mr. Goldman made two statements that especially resonated with me as the sister to an LBP and the aunt to a kidnapped child.  First, he described the experience of the left-behind parent struggling to return their child as that of a "dead man walking."  It was the perfect way to sum up the life that my twin has been leading since Sage's abduction, as the few visits we've been lucky enough to have since then have been characterized by my brother's total and complete focus being on whatever he felt he was able to do to stay connected to the case, whether that be researching Hague cases, talking with other Hague parents on Bring Sean Home, or trying to stay caught up on work so that he can continue to fund his efforts in Mexico.  There is very little casual conversation, very little joy, and very little relaxing involved in these visits.  I have watched his health suffer, and we all have become accustomed to "whatever he is able to spare" after exhausting himself just trying to keep his momentum, even if this means (as it often does) that we receive no more than a one-line email indicating "I'm still alive," to ease our worry.   As parents, we of course understand, but it does not change the fact that when a child is abducted, it is not just the parent and child that suffers, but an entire family that is torn apart.

The second statement that David Goldman made which stood out to me, as I have felt the same reaction from people when just explaining the case, is that LBP's often are left feeling as though they're wearing a scarlet A on their chest.  Because the abductor in these cases happens to be a parent, people often ask themselves, and sometimes ask out loud, what the LBP must have done to make the other parent leave with the child.  It is my opinion that this is most likely especially true when the LBP is a father and the abductor a mother, as there is a general cultural bias suggesting that mothers are the nurturers, and fathers the abusers/neglectors.  My brother has had to deal with this stigma and bias, both in addressing the issue in public forums, where he would hope to be able to focus some attention on the issue of IPCA as a whole, and also in the legal arena where he fights to get his son back.  It is this perception in particular that may be the primary reason so many countries harboring kidnappers disregard international law (Hague Convention), and try to turn these cases into custody hearings rather than determining the child's country of habitual residence and returning them for custody to be decided there.  The fact of the matter, however, is that marriage takes work, international relationships presumably have their own, unique challenges, and some, selfish and self-serving people would rather disregard the rights, best interests, and well-being of their partners and their own children, than to put forth the effort to either make things work, or to make an arrangement that is fair to both involved parents, and in the best interest of the child.

Carlos (David, to me), I'll be thinking of you this week, and on Friday, as you "hurry up and wait" yet again, for an update on Sage, your beautiful little boy.